If we want to get anything done with others at work, or at home, communication is a key part of that. Unless we’re completely in control of what we’re doing, we need to persuade, influence, inspire and motivate others.
Sometimes those conversations are one-to-one. Sometimes they happen in a meeting. And they don’t always go to plan. When they don’t, it’s often because we’ve been overwhelmed by our emotions in the moment. When that happens, we stop choosing the action we’re taking – our emotions choose it for us and that’s when we don’t get the outcome we wanted.
So what can we do to stay in control, communicate clearly and logically, and end the conversation with a great outcome? This is something that often comes up in coaching conversations especially when my clients are under pressure at work.
Keeping control of your emotions isn’t about being a robot. It’s about being able to choose the way you show up, and the actions you take. Here are five steps you can use to stay calm at your best, even under pressure.
1. Breathe before you begin
Before you go into a difficult conversation, take a few moments for some deep breaths. Count silently as you breathe, then try to make the out-breath longer than the in-breath. As you do this your parasympathetic nervous system will start to calm down and relax, allowing you to access the most logical, reasoned part of your brain when you need it.
2. Notice how you’re feeling physically
If your body starts to show signs of tension, that’s genuinely useful information: it means your emotions are beginning to build. Clients often tell me they don’t notice anything’s wrong until I ask them to think back over even the smallest physical signs such as a tightened jaw or a pen gripped more firmly than usual. Once you start noticing these signals, you’ll spot them much faster in future and then you’ll know your emotions are building.
3. Identify exactly what you’re feeling
This can be hard to do in the moment, so it helps to start by thinking back to previous conversations and how you felt in those. Practise identifying the emotion, and it gets easier to do it live. As soon as you can label what’s going on, whether it’s frustration, anxiety, or other emotions, you start to create a bit of distance from it.
4. Ask yourself what you need
Once you’ve identified the emotion, think about what you need from yourself. Often, it’s simply kindness to yourself or a different viewpoint – a calm voice of reason. That may sound like a lot to do in the moment, but you can genuinely work through all of this within seconds. For example, if you notice mounting frustration because action hasn’t been made when you expected it to be, you might take a few deep breaths and remind yourself of the bigger picture, and which elements of the situation are actually within your control.
5. Make a conscious choice
Now decide, deliberately, how you want to react to the situation. For example, you might want to tackle things straight away, or you might want to say you’re going to go away and think about your options, then do some research before responding. Neither choice is right or wrong. Whichever one you take, make sure it’s the one you’ve genuinely chosen, not the one that’s simply happened to you.
None of this is about suppressing how you feel or pretending everything’s fine. It’s about giving yourself a moment to notice, name, and choose, rather than letting the emotion choose for you.
So next time you’re in a difficult meeting, talking to stakeholders, or even an informal chat with a colleague, friend or family member, try it:
- take a deep breath,
- notice physical signs of tension,
- identify the emotion,
- give yourself what you need,
- choose the action you want to take.
You’ll find that you’re proud of the way you’re handling challenging situations, your professional relationships will improve, and you’ll probably have better outcomes too!
About Lucy
Lucy Chaplin PCC is an Executive Coach who works with leaders and teams through one-to-one and group coaching. She helps people build confidence, make better decisions, manage stress and create healthier boundaries between work and home, enabling them to lead with clarity, resilience and purpose. Using proven coaching tools and approaches, Lucy supports leaders to inspire their teams, strengthen workplace culture and contribute to the long-term success of their organisation.
Lucy also supports women returning to work after maternity leave, helping them approach this important transition with confidence and a clearer sense of what they need to thrive. A Professional Certified Coach with the International Coaching Federation, Lucy holds a Postgraduate Certificate in Business and Personal Coaching from the University of Chester and has worked with leaders across technology, retail, finance, charity and public health.
Book a free consultation with Lucy here: https://calendly.com/lucychaplin/free-consultation
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