Returning to work after maternity leave was a strange experience, both when I had our twins, and after our youngest was born.
The mixture of emotions, both times, was almost overwhelming. On the one hand, I was longing to get back to work with a community that I loved being with and felt invigorated by. I wanted some intellectual challenge again, and to restore the professional side of myself. On the other hand, I didn’t want to miss any ‘firsts’, such as a first word or step and felt guilty leaving the boys with someone else. So whilst the practical side was a challenge, the emotional and mental adjustment were harder.
Over the years I have needed to make many of these adjustments as the boys’ needs have changed, and my career has developed. I have worked in the education and recruitment sectors, and now I am a qualified business and personal coach. There have been some valuable lessons about being a working parent that I wish I had known when I first went back to work which I thought I would share below.
1. Feeling guilty is totally normal after maternity leave!
I hadn’t realised that ‘mum guilt’ could be such a part of being a parent. On returning to work, I felt guilty that I wasn’t with the twins, (and then my youngest son) but when I left work promptly to pick them up, I would feel guilty that I wasn’t putting in extra hours at work. So many parents, women in particular, feel like this. It is totally normal, and doesn’t mean that we are doing something wrong. We are better colleagues and parents if we are doing what is right for us, not what we think we ‘ought’ to be doing. Our children benefit if we’re fulfilled and happy, and our companies benefit if we spend quality time with our families, then can immerse ourselves in our work.
2. A career break can be an opportunity to reassess your role.
I hadn’t realised how a career break could be something positive. It can be a fantastic opportunity to think about our jobs and how we can use our strengths even more effectively, doing more of the things that we enjoy. Being clear about our roles before returning enables us to have a smoother transition back to work, so it’s important to have conversations with line managers about this before the start date. Keeping in touch days are useful ways to connect with colleagues and start the mental adjustment back into the workplace.
3. Feeling less confident is natural
Women often talk about feeling a loss of confidence after maternity leave, even a couple of years after they have returned to work. I thought I was the only person that felt less confident when I got back to work, and it was such a relief to find out that I wasn’t! It would also have been hugely helpful to me to have worked on building my confidence, and when I work with clients on this I use different methods to help them regain their confidence. I have written a brief description of some of them below.
One way is to make a list of all the things you have achieved in your life – get to at least 50. Put down everything you’re proud of (one of mine is passing my driving test first time soon after my 17th birthday!). I had forgotten about many of them and when I saw a list of everything I had already achieved I surprised myself. Keep the list where you can see it and look at it regularly.
Many people find affirmations help. You can also say affirmations every day, and write them down on post it notes so that you can see them often. They should be personal to you but might be things like: – I am a great mum/ lawyer/ teacher/ artist/ PA…
I am clever.
I can do this.
Visualisation techniques can also be helpful. “If you can see it and believe it, it is a lot easier to achieve it.” Oprah Winfrey. Visualising a successful first day back at work, job interview or presentation to the board can boost your feelings of confidence, and this is something that many clients find helpful. The Journal of Consulting Psychology released a study on visualisation techniques. Job seeking individuals were divided into two groups, both receiving traditional career coaching, but one group received visualisation techniques as well. After two months of training, 21% of the first group had received a job offer, as compared with 66% of those in the group that had been visualising success.
4. Forward planning at home
The first time I returned to work, I didn’t think too much about the time I needed to spend on everything I did at home, and then found myself struggling to get everything done. So I learnt that well as thinking about our roles at work, it’s useful to think more carefully about our roles at home as well. If you have a partner it’s useful to have an honest conversation before you go back to work about the domestic tasks, and then review this periodically. It’s very easy to make assumptions about the role your other half will play after having children, and what can seem like a small problem before having a baby can be a major disagreement after months of broken sleep and busy days at work. So, talking through everything that needs to be done and the different roles you play can be extremely helpful.
5. Focus on having quality time with your baby, not the quantity
At first, I focussed on the amount of time I would have with the boys. However, I came to realise that what was really important was the type of attention I gave them when I was with them. I felt a greater feeling of connection when I focussed all my attention on them for shorter periods of time, instead of trying to play with them while I did other things. I also realised that it was important for them to be able to play independently as well as with me. Trying to do just one thing at a time was less stressful for me and more fun for them.
6. Ask for help
This was one of the things that I found hardest to do, both at work and at home. I thought asking for help was a sign of weakness, whereas now I realise it is a sign of strength and an opportunity to learn and grow. Colleagues and managers can easily forget what you have missed when you were away, and it’s important to ask for any help you need. The same is true at home. Think about your support network and if there are people who can help, do ask them. If finances allow, paying help with things like cleaning/ ironing can make all the difference. Even something as simple as booking a regular food delivery slot with an automatic order can relieve the pressure.
7. Set boundaries
With technology comes the pressure of constant availability in an online world, and the lines between home and work have become even more blurred with the pandemic. This is something that I still need to be conscious of, as it’s so easy to check emails or social media at any time of the day or night. It’s important to work out the times when you don’t want to be available to answer emails or calls and to stick to them. If you find this hard, just start with a short period of time, and increase it gradually. It’s important to know you can switch off completely, as you, your family and your work will benefit.
It’s also important to set boundaries to make sure you look after yourself, and allow yourself enough time to recharge your energy. Saying yes to things at home and at work may seem like the right thing to do, but sometimes it’s important to say no so that we don’t end up exhausted and suffer burnout. Just being aware of your needs can make a huge difference so that you have the energy to live the life you want.
It was a long journey for me to learn and become comfortable with some of these things, which is why I now love helping parents make that transition quickly and smoothly, resulting in synergy from their professional and personal lives.
I help leaders make a positive impact on their teams, their organisations and the world. I am an Associate Certified Coach with the International Coaching Federation, and have been a working parent for most of my career, so I understand the challenges well.
If you’re on maternity leave, have recently returned to work, or are looking to return to work after a break you can book a free call with me to see how I can help you continue your career and manage the demands of parenthood.
You can click the link here to book a call: https://calendly.com/lucychaplin/free-30-minute-call
Or you can email me with any questions: lucy@lucychaplincoaching.co.uk
Website: https://lucychaplincoaching.co.uk/
Recent Comments